Things have been good since Charlie has left with the army. Well, as good as it can get without him here I guess. Things could be way worse, it's just overwhelming to take on everything. The house, both kids, anything that comes our way. I'm glad I have family and friends here to support me, but it's hard to feel emotionally okay when a huge part of you is missing.
For a long time, I have found myself thinking that something was missing. I have a beautiful life. I love my husband, our boys, and everything that comes along with having a family. My biggest issue, and always has been, is knowing that I have a college degree, and sitting home and not doing what I want to do with it.
For a long time after I graduated I applied to every x-ray tech job I could find. Then, I started to feel upset and heart broken because I couldn't find anything. As time went on, me and Charlie got married, then I got pregnant for Ian, then right after we had Ian, Charlie had to leave 1 week after he was born. He's basically been gone ever since. I figured I was doing the right thing by staying at home with the boys and helping them grow. My mom always stayed home with me and my brother until we got into school, then she went to work. So, I guess it's a good thing, but for some reason, I really want to start working again. Not just any work, but being an x-ray tech, like I went to college for.
College was really rough for me. I was pregnant for Peyton when I found out I had made it into the radiology program. I was in and out of the hospital and missed class time and always had to make it up and catch back up. I was determined not to fail out of the program I worked so hard to get into. After I had Peyton, I would do homework all night while taking care of him. I did my internship while taking care of him, with the help of my family, and when I finally graduated, I realized there were really no jobs out there for me at the time. It was depressing, and still is today.
I guess I'm just feeling down about myself. I love being home with my kids, but I also worked my butt off to get that degree, and I want to use it. That was the purpose of me going to college...to help contribute financially, and be able to be happy going to work every day because it was something I loved doing. I started looking more recently for jobs in our area, since i'm stuck to this area because Charlie is deploying...and I have no real options. Detroit is not something I can do, and neither is Chicago. I am stuck.....but if I'm going to be stuck somewhere until something else happens, I guess I'm happy to say I'm stuck here with my family who is always supportive of me. I have to quit putting myself down because I haven't been able to do what I want work wise, and just be happy to already be done with college, and know that I have the opportunity, when it is presented, to go to work and have a good job.
